It happened again. I misunderstood.
“I wish I could start swimming, but I really don’t have the time,” a friend told me.
I immediately started brainstorming solutions. Maybe she could swim before work. Maybe weekends would work better.
Only later did I realize she wasn’t asking for ideas. She was talking about something she wished she could do, not asking me to solve the problem.
The conversation ended awkwardly when she admitted that she didn’t really want to wear a bathing suit or get into a pool.
I had interpreted her words literally.
She had been trying to communicate something different from what I understood.
Neither of us intended the misunderstanding.
We were simply communicating in different ways.
If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation wondering, “How did we hear two completely different things?” you’re not alone.
What Is Subtext?
Subtext is the meaning that listeners infer from context rather than from the literal words. It can come from tone of voice, facial expressions, shared experiences, timing, or social expectations.
Why Don’t They Say What They Mean?
The first thing to remember is that people aren’t trying to hide what they mean. Research suggests people often use subtext to:
- Avoid conflict
- Protect relationships
- Be polite
- Soften criticism
- Protect dignity
- Express emotions indirectly
- Reduce social tension
Why This Can Be Hard for Some People with ADHD
Many adults with ADHD describe preferring direct communication. Research suggests that differences in executive functioning, working memory, attention regulation, emotional regulation, and the ability to process social cues can make implied meaning more difficult to recognize. This is common, but not universal.
Common Examples
- At home: One person says, ‘The garbage should go out soon.’ Another hears only an observation instead of a request.
- With friends: Plans may seem confirmed to one person but tentative to another.
- At work: Instructions like ‘Keep this on your radar’ may not communicate the intended urgency.
What Can Help?
For Adults with ADHD
- Look for additional context, not just the words.
- Compare words with body language and actions.
- Ask clarifying questions when something feels unclear.
- Talk through confusing situations with a trusted friend or coach.
For Friends and Family
- Provide written or visual lists for tasks.
- Practice a direct communication style.
- View communication differences as challenges to conquer together.
- Assume good intentions before assuming disrespect.
For Managers and Coworkers
- Provide clear, specific, and actionable tasks.
- Provide written follow-up when appropriate.
- Welcome clarifying questions.
- Educate team members on different forms of communication.
Communication is a shared responsibility. When we replace assumptions with understanding, conversations become less about decoding hidden messages and more about understanding each other.
This provides a space for conversations where everyone can be heard.
Want the complete article?
This ADHD-accessible version is designed to make the information easier to read and use. If you’d like the full article, including detailed explanations and research references, you can download the complete PDF from this page.